How To (Actually) Stop Giving A F
Before we get going, I just want to say thank you to everyone who signed up for Cohort #4 of Clean Your Inner World.
I’m super stoked to have you and cannot wait to see all the transformations that come out of the next 45 days.
Now let’s get into this week’s deep dive.
Most people give too many F’s about what doesn’t matter:
What people think about them
The consequences of being true to themselves
What happens if they fail
What happens if they succeed
Negative comments on social media
Getting rejected
Making a fool out of yourself
Being embarrassed
So on and so forth…
And give too little F’s about what does matter:
Bringing to life what is inside you before it destroys you from the inside out
Living a life true to yourself
Taking chances, putting yourself out there
Setting sail on the dreams that set your heart on fire
Living life on your terms/your way (Frank Sinatra voice)
Showing your character a good life before he/she dies
You get the point.
Maybe you’re like most people. Maybe you’re not.
But I used to be. A lot.
I was so crippled like most people that the F’s I gave about the things that truly didn’t matter overloaded my heart…
… and kept me from truly coming alive and executing on what did matter.
This way of living felt like driving with your handbrake on.
Sure, you may inch forward.
But you hear screeeeeetchy noises along the way and don’t get very far.
Compare this to living life with no handbrake on.
Upwards and onwards, baby. Night and day difference.
So with that stated, how exactly do you make that jump from living life with your handbrake on to letting go of the handbrake?
I don’t know.
All I know is what has worked for me.
And what worked for me is not your typical self-help bullshit that makes you feel good in the moment, but quickly leaves you back to your familiar patterns of giving too many Fs on the wrong things.
That never worked for me.
What worked for me is really much deeper because it corrected a deep rooted case of mistaken identity which is really the root cause of giving too many Fs about the wrong things.
But before I get there, you first need to understand:
Giving too many Fs = Heavy case of self-reflection.
What is self reflection?
When you’re living your life and SIMULTANEOUSLY thinking about how your actions reflect back on you.
For example, let’s say you’re wanting to start a business or approach that cute girl or pitch a dream client or start posting content on social media, but simultaneously you’re caught in a thought loop of how this will make you look in the eyes of others/to yourself.
"If I start a business and don’t make any money, people are going to think I’m a failure. If I approach that cute girl and say hi, everybody around is going to hear and think this guy is so weird. If I pitch that dream client and get rejected, I’m going to feel so bad and it’s going to prove that I’m not cut out for this. If I start posting content on social media, all the people I know from high school will find it and be like ‘who the F does this guy think he is?’"
This self reflection, in return, leads naturally to the giving of too many Fs about what doesn’t matter to the point that you never do take action on what does matter (fearlessly going for it and starting that business, approaching that cute girl, pitching your dream client, posting on social media, or whatever it may be for you).
Do you see this?
"YES TEJ!! But again, how do I overcome this limiting pattern?"
And that’s a good question.
After all, the root cause of why most people never get anywhere is because they’re constantly living with an invisible handbrake on.
This is one reason why people become addicted to drugs and alcohol because alcohol shuts down the self reflection (providing temporary relief), so people feel free to be as they are with zero care of how others perceive them. But obviously alcohol isn’t a real solution.
The real solution starts by continuing our exploration and asking ourselves:
If giving too many Fs is the result of self reflection and self reflection means thinking about how things are going to reflect back on me, who is the "me" that actions reflect back on?
This may sound like a super abstract spiritual question, but it’s really not.
It’s extremely practical because when you ask yourself this question, you quickly realize that the ‘me’ you’re taking yourself to be is a certain self-image that you hold of yourself.
This self image arises 100% from the past and is the result of all your past experiences and memories (good/bad).
In simpler words, think of your self image as an idea that you hold of yourself.
An idea that tells you that you’re x type of person who does y type of things. An idea that gives rise to the belief in taking yourself to be a separate entity from all that is. An idea that colors all your perceptions and is full of fears, doubts, judgments and limitations.
Now take a deep breath and simply realize:
When you’re self reflecting, what you’re ultimately doing is trying to see how the implications from the raw experiences of life (building a business, approaching that cute girl, pitching a dream client, posting content on social media, whatever) will reflect on this self image/idea that you take yourself to be.
If experiences pose a threat to this self image, you start giving too many Fs and refrain from taking that action. If experiences diminish this self image, you start giving too many Fs and refrain from taking that action. If experiences devalue this self image, you start giving too many Fs and refrain from taking that action.
In other words:
You’re not oriented towards maximizing your existence and truly thriving.
You’re oriented towards protecting, maintaining, and ensuring the self image that you take yourself to be survives.
This, in return, is what gives rise to handbrake living (constantly living and seeing how the actions you take reflect back on this self image that you take yourself to be).
Now you know the root cause of why you give too many Fs.
But at the same time, you’re probably wondering: "SO WHAT?"
And if you’re asking that question, then chances are you don’t see it yet (I didn’t see it for a looooooong time).
So let me make it clearer by asking you:
Are you an alive, conscious human being full of flesh and bones that exists Now or are you a dead self-image from the past?
Truly ask yourself this.
"Am I a human being or am I a dead image?"
"Am I a human being or am I a dead image?"
"Am I a human being or am I a dead image?"
By asking yourself this question, you’ll quickly realize that the self image that you’ve been attempting to protect via self reflection all throughout your life not only doesn’t exist (it’s a dead image), but it’s also not what you are because you’re an alive human being. Not a dead self-image.
SOOOOOO essentially:
The part of you that you reflect on is the part that doesn’t even exist (like you think it does nor is it what you actually are).
Again, this may sound abstract, but it’s really not.
Think of a child. Any child you know. And you’ll quickly see that unlike adults, young children have not formed their self image yet so all they are is a real, alive human being that exists now. As a result, young children are very spontaneous, courageous, and act with no self reflection because the self image hasn’t yet formed. As they age, however, the self image forms, consciousness becomes mistakenly identified with it, taking it to be who and what you are, and now self reflection starts which leads to giving too many Fs about what doesn’t matter and sacrificing what does.
Reread that again because it’s super important.
With that noted, the solution to not giving a F is to let go of the image of yourself (by seeing it’s not you) and acting with zero self reflection as the real, adult you that exists now (act without reflecting).
As you act, the experiences of life will trigger your old self image to arise in the early days and naturally the emotions that come with it: fear, terror, ridicule, rejection, alienation, whatever.
But every time this happens, you need to be aware enough to not lose yourself. Meaning you need to recognize that these emotions will try to pull you and make you believe again that you’re this self image/idea that must be protected. But this is bullshit.
You are an alive human being that exists now – not as an idea or as a dead image from the past.
The more you realize this, the more you start living as the real you and taking real actions (building a biz, approaching that cute girl, pitching that dream client, posting content, or whatever) without being so concerned about how this reflects on the fake you (self image/idea you hold of yourself).
As this happens, you become more and more free and naturally start giving a F about what does matter and cease giving a F about what never did.
SOOO with all that noted, the simple daily practice to put this into action (practically speaking) is to be in your body, stay present, and simply act with zero self reflection.
When you act and your self image gets triggered, you’ll notice your energy shifts from the present and goes into the head/past/future.
Catch yourself and come back to feeling the alive energy flowing through your body that exists now (get out of your head).
Remind yourself that you’re an alive human being. Not a dead image or an idea. And act again. And again with zero reflection (who cares if the self image gets triggered or people talk bad about the self image, it’s not who you are).
More you do this, the more you destroy the idea of yourself and actually become your real self: a fresh, alive presence that knows no future and has no past – leaving you free to FULLY LIVE NOW with zero self reflection.
This, my friend, is freedom.
That’s it for the third edition of the Mindsets Newsletter by mindskool.com. Officially in the books! Did you enjoy this edition? Drop me a reply and let me know?
If you have specific questions or topics you want explored, feel free to also include those in your reply. I’ve got an extensive list of ideas I want to share with you, but always happy to tailor the editions for your most relevant needs.
See you next Wednesday!
Your friend,
/tej
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Your friend,
/tej
